Screenshot! (sing to the tune of The J. Geils Band's "Freeze Frame")

(If you don't know that song, STOP here and go listen to it right now!)

I've had my 'droid for about 3 years and I've been fairly happy with it. Until 3 days ago there were only two things I didn't like about my phone: there is no way to participate in a group text and it won't take screenshots.  Now there is only one reason I don't like it.

3, my youngest son and kid, was walking through the living room this weekend while I was bitching about the two things I hate about my phone.  Specifically, (NOT PAcifically) not being able to take a screenshot of some witty something I had just found while surfing the internet. He snatched the phone away from me and I heard the familiar old school noise flashes used to make when we still snapped photos with cameras, then he handed my phone back to me and there was a screenshot of the cute something in my photo gallery!

This evening I received a friend request from someone I have "not now'd" several times before, we'll refer to her as Pesky Patty. I found this to be the perfect opportunity to show off my new screen shotting skills to my daughter, 1, who also has a similar acquaintance (Annoying Annie) and previously had the same model phone that I have. Following are screenshots of our conversation.

(Names have been omitted to protect the annoying.)

All I wanted was a fucking Pop Tart!

Ever wonder why, when you are having an already fucked up day, you also fuck up even the simplest tasks?  Don't think I'm going to offer my theory on why; I'm just asking if anyone else wonders, because I've got no fucking idea why. (I say "fuck" a lot when I'm upset, frustrated, mad, sad, scared and a lot of times when I'm happy too. You can read more about that here.)  I do know that when performing small, relatively insignificant tasks like, oh I don't know say; toasting a Pop Tart, and it gets stuck in the toaster, it pisses me off under the best of circumstances.  If my day has already sucked and it's past 10:00 on a work night and then something like that happens...I usually lose my shit. 

By 'lose my shit' I don't mean I throw things, yell and cuss at my family, or run naked in the streets, I'm not crazy!!  I mean, I yell and cuss A LOT to myself or at the item that pissed me off.  Babe usually just ignores me because its rhetorical bitching and because he knows it makes me feel better.  He's sweet (i.e. doesn't want to prolong the bitch fest by engaging me) like that sometimes.

So, without further ado, here is the photo story of what happened tonight when I decided to enjoy a Pop Tart before I lay my head on my pillow to said good bye to this shitty day.  Really??...

ALL I WANTED WAS A FUCKING POP TART!!

I ate it anyway, of course...



 

but it wasn't as good as it would have been if I wouldn't have had to fight the fucking toaster for it.

I'm going to bed.  Hopefully I won't poke my eye out with my toothbrush!!

~Michizzle



Pretty~Practical~Pouches

I have been a busy little bee this weekend! Left work early Friday to have some drinks and wish farewell to a coworker who got a new job, then I met  my daughter, 1, and a couple of friends for drinks and we went to dinner after that.

Saturday was great - spent it with Bestie shopping, laughing and hanging out and then we met the hubbies back at besties' house for pizza, beer and planning our Mardi Gras/Valentine couple date night for the four of us, and Boo and Scotty. (The guys were all ears when we told them we were having the party but totally tuned us out or made fun of us while WE planned.) I left there about 10:00 to meet 1 and 2, and their spouses to watch a friend of 2's and his band play. We left there and went to another place to see a friend perform and celebrate his birthday. I left there a little after 2:00 am to drop DiL off at the hospital so she could be with her and 2's besties as they welcomed their first little bambino into the world.

Today I got up earlier than I had planned due to what felt like a drumming competition going on in my head but immediately dove into getting my previous post (Fritz the Gay Elf) published. Then I half-heartedly cleaned the kitchen up a little bit and put away all the shit I bought the day before because it was all still sitting in sacks on the counter tops and then, I FINALLY got to do what I've been wanting to do all day...make one of these pouches from the plethora of fabric bestie and I bought yesterday.

I will be selling these little gems, which make great jewelry pouches, makeup bags, and gift sacks. Don't know what the rules are (and don't feel like trying to find the information) regarding using a blog to sell things so, if you want more information, message me.

Now it's midnight and I have to work tomorrow (meh!) and I'm not ready for my wonderful weekend to be over.  While reading about my super-fun and fabulously-fantastic weekend, one might think that I live that kind of Rock Star lifestyle but...one would be wrong.  It just so happened that all the plans I have for the next 3 weeks all fell on the same weekend.  Damn, I should have just let y'all go on thinking I am All That and A Pack of Crackers.

By the way, for any of you keeping up with my blog, my Christmas tree is still up.
Think January 31st is a reasonable goal?

 

~Michizzle

Fritz the Gay Elf

I made this little book (thanks Snapfish.com!) as a Christmas gift for My Boo and Scotty, after receiving Fritzy as a Christmas gift from them.  They gave him to me at my Christmas party and during the night we snapped a few picures of him. When the party was over my son, 2, and my daughter-in-law (DiL) hung around for awhile.  Before long, 2 and Babe were crashed out in the living room and DiL and I were feeling silly (ok, drunk) so she suggested we take more pics of Fritzy.  And we did - for a couple of hours at least. The book wasn't even a thought when we were taking the photos, credit for that goes to my friend, Wesley, who suggested it after I texted him a few of the pics the next day.

I logged onto my email account and began hunting through my "Coupons" folder (don't judge!) for the last email I'd received from Snapfish.  When I found it I was so excited because the featured sale was  buy one book, get TWO free!  Three for the price of one?!?!  I love me a good sale!  Once I began reading the small print, I realized that the sale as well as guaranteed Christmas delivery, would expire at midnight. It was already late afternoon by this time so I knew I would have to bust my balls (yes, I have woman balls) to finish before midnight.  I finally finished, submitted my order with 20 minutes to spare and received the books, as promised, before Christmas.

Below is a photo edition of the book.  I know the photography sucks so please do not bitch about it.  Sure, I could have spent more time cropping, adjusting the lighting, and contrasting the photos but that's not fun and I spent enough time not having fun today trying to upload the damn things so you'll just have to deal with it.  I did add the text beneath each photo for ease in viewing though...you're welcome.  If you'd like to view the book in a much nicer and certainly more professional format, you may do so here. *  (You can also purchase a copy if  you'd like.  Don't worry, I'm not trying to line my pockets - Snapfish will take and keep your money.) You will have to create an account with Snapfish to view the book, it's free, just wanted to issue a warning to save you  the trouble in case you have no interest in doing so.  Either way, I hope you enjoy - what I hope to be - the first book in the "Fritz the Gay Elf" series.

*I don't know if this damn link is working or not.  Please let me know, oh silent audience. 



*Front Cover*
"Fritz's First Night"



*Dedication Page*
"Dedicated to David and Scott
Without whom this would not have been possible.
Love, Michelle and Fritzy"
This photo was taken at the store the day Boo and I first saw Fritzy.



*Page 1*
"I first layed eyes on Fritz December 1, 2012.
Boo and I were shopping that Saturday
afternoon and we spotted him tucked in a
corner at a little country store.
It was love at first sight.
The following Saturday I was hosting a Christmas
party and David and Scott gave Fritz
to me as an early Christmas gift.
He was an angel when he first arrived, posing for
photos, cross stitching and even reading to us."



*Page 2*
"He was very social,
flitting around visiting
with all the guests.

He make some

new friends too."




*Page 3*
"But the Fritzy noticed
everyone kept going to the bar.
And he was curious."



*Page 4*
"First he just wanted his
picture taken on the
bar...then with the alcohol."





*Page 5*
"Before we knew it, Fritz was
drinking wine and swinging
from the fucking chandeliers..."

*Page 6*
"Literally!!"

*Page 7*
"After he'd had a couple of glasses of
wine I told him he had reached his
limit. He got pissed and pulled a pair of
scissors on me then jumped off the table
in a rage! We were looking for him
everywhere when we heard crunching
noises coming from the corner. Fritz
apparently likes dog food after drinking."

*Page 8*
"We were finally able to lure him
back to the craft room and calm him
a bit with another photo shoot.  Fritz
loves having his picture taken!"

*Page 9*
"But then I had
to get onto him
for peeking in
stockings
and
SMOKING!"

*Page 10*
""Take
Your
Own
Advice!"
was his response."
*Fritz is holding my fav little sign.  It says, "Be Fucking Polite (Please)"

*Page 11*
"The girls thought that
was funny so the three
of them began joking
around."
This is my daughter, 1.

*Page 12*
"And then he
went too
far...
of course."
*This is my daughter-in-law, DiL

*Page 13*
"He was completely out of control.
This is what was going on when I
finally gave up and went to bed."



*Page 14*
"And this is how I found him
when I woke up."



*Page 15*
"When he finally got out of
bed this afternoon he
apologized and we are the
best of friends again."

*Last page*
"The End"



*Back Cover*





~Michizzle

The road to HOE is paved with good intentions

The last time I entered Hell On Earth (HOE) i.e., my friendly, local DPS office, to renew my driver's license was right before it expired on my thirtieth birthday.  That was serendipitous because no matter how bad the picture, every time I looked at it over the next several years, I would see my 29 year old self smiling back at me  (I was having a bit of trouble with the upcoming Big 3-0). I woke up extra early that morning, took a longer shower usual - even shaved my legs and pits, spent more time on my hair and makeup than I normally did, and dressed in my brand new, carefully thought out, dry cleaned outfit.  I went to the license department, had my mugshot taken then anxiously awaited  the arrival of my new driver's license . It was delivered a couple of weeks later, and I was pleasantly surprised.  Although it wasn't the best picture I'd ever had taken,  it was better than all of my previous mugshots.  Over the years, it has been nice not having to hold my thumb over the picture when showing someone my ID. 

Fast forward four years: I renew my driver's license online for the first time.  You can do that here in Texas if you have not had any tickets since your last renewal. It's so easy and convenient and I was also able to update my address. That was a real handy feature for me during our *6 moves in 7 years.* The next time my license was up for renewal was during that time so, I renewed online again and updated my address too since the address that was listed was of the place we'd lived 3 moves ago. Even really handy features lose their appeal with overuse.

Over the years my son, 3, has bugged me about getting a new photo taken for my license. He would say, "You don't even look like that anymore!  Your hair is shorter/longer/lighter/darker/cuter/uglier than it was then!" But over the last couple of years he has been saying, " You don't even look like that anymore!  Your hair is shorter/longer/lighter/darker/cuter/uglier than it was then and you were twenty-nine Mom.  You're not 29 now! Go update your driver's license picture!!" When he was 16 and I took him to get his first license and he told me I should renew mine then too. I intended to but but I hadn't prepped that day so I didn't.

Since then I have had really good intentions to voluntarily enter HOE before my birthday, which was in November when it expired, to renew my license and have a new picture taken. Because, even I can admit my hair is shorter/longer/lighter/darker/cuter/uglier than it was then and I'm actually closer to 50 than I am to 29, (I threw up in my mouth a little as I typed that last sentence.) I have come to accept that I will be disappointed with the picture no matter how good it is because in the old one

I WAS 29 FUCKING YEARS OLD!!

But the road to hell is paved with good intentions indeed. The week of my birthday I logged on to the DPS website to renew my license because I knew there was no way I was going to make it to the office and get it done before it expired.  I figured I could visit HOE one upcoming day before work, freshly made up, and hope the new picture was at least decent.  I entered all the necessary information and clicked submit . A message popped up telling me I must renew my license at my friendly, local DPS office. There was no reason given but I assume it's because they want to see your face at least once a decade to make sure you are who you say you are and all that shit.

Obviously, my license was going to expire before I had the chance to renew it.  I have continued assisting in paving the road to HOE since then for various reasons: I didn't want to go during the holidays, it has been too cold, I have been too tired, I've looked too shitty, I haven't felt like sitting in a waiting room with a bunch of people who are just as pissed as I am about being there for 2 or 3 damn hours and a few dozen other reasons. 

I actually had kinda forgotten that my license was expired until last night when Babe sent me text asking for my driver's license number and expiration date. (Please do not send me emails, texts, voice mails or comments advising me to not give out personal information via text in case someone has actually kidnapped and held him at gunpoint while insisting he text me for all of our personal information.  I knew for sure it was Dennis so I felt perfectly safe sending the information.)  I sent him the info and his response was, "It's expired??"  He's cute like that sometimes.

Don't worry, I really intend to have this done by the end of the month.  And while I'm there I'm going to get the address updated to my current one; which has been my current one for over 2 years now.

Space for future license with a NOT 29 year old on it.






~Michizzle

*Future Blog*

Cursing

I grew up around a lot of cussing (we also grew up calling it "cussing" not "cursing" so I will refer to it as such from here forth).  My brother and I weren't cussed AT...no one screamed at us... 

"Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a bitch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk." (John Bender - The Breakfast Club)

No, no, nothing as horrible as that, thankfully.  But we heard cussing all the time in normal conversations, both ones we were apart of and ones we weren't.  Here's an example of a conversation you might have overheard at our house say, while we were watching a movie at home on a Saturday night on either HBO or our VCR.

Dad:  Ok guys, this is supposed to be a really good movie.  Sylvester Stallone is supposed to kick a lot of ass!!

Me & Bro:  Yay!!

(later)

Dad:  Oh my God!  Did you guys see that fucking shit?!?  Let's rewind and see that shit again!

Me & Bro:  Yay!!

(later still)

Dad:  Ok, you guys better get to bed.  We've got to get up early and bust ass with our chores in the morning if y'all want to go to the skating rink after you watch The Dukes of Hazard later tonight.

Me & Bro:  Yay!!

See what I mean?  Now, my brother and I were not allowed to cuss - we weren't fucking heathens! - but I think we probably started cussing earlier than most of our friends.  And, much more importantly, cussing CORRECTLY.  Because, admit it...we all knew some poor little bastard whose parents probably never uttered a cuss word in front of them in their life who decides he or she wants to be cool and cuss on the playground...

Sucky Cusser Kid:  Oh yea?  Well, your um, your MOM likes it when the Atari Repair Man blows her!!

TLS (The Little Sailors) Club:  Ha ha ha!!  You're so DUMB!  You can't BLOW a GIRL!!  Ha ha ha, you're an asshat!!

So, I'm a cusser.  But that does not mean I just constantly drop the  f-bomb.  I sprinkle my speech with cuss words when and where appropriate.  I like to compare it to a chef using the correct spices in the correct amount in the appropriate dishes.  The spices are added to enhance the main dish.  To make it more fun and exciting! 

There is a time, and place when cussing is appropriate and, lucky for me, my office is one such environment.  (I plan on blogging all about my Really Cool Job soon.)  It's not unusual to hear me whispering "Damn it!! or "Shit!" or even "I'm so FUCKING (lots and lots of emphasis - extra, BOLD) sick of this damn computer!! However, I don't greet my boss in the mornings cussing...

Me:  Hey Boss!  How the fuck are ya this fine morning?  Your ass looks fucking FAN Tastic in that suit! 

Boss:  Wtf???

It's still ok and appropriate when talking to my Dad. A typical conversation over the phone with my him today might sound something like this...


Dad:  Hey baby, how's it going?

Me:  Good but some asshole cut me off on my way to work this morning and almost clipped my fender.  I was pissed as hell all the way to work but the rest of the day wasn't too shitty.  How are you?

Dad:  We're good, we're good.  I'm dealing with some fucking prick at work right now.  The stupid son of a bitch is younger than you and trying to tell ME how to do my fucking job.  I'm always civil to him but I'd like to knock the little mother fucker's teeth down his throat.
Anyway, how is everybody there?  Are the kids doing ok?  How's little GK?  Is he liking preschool?  Give everyone kisses for us.  We love you mucho, mucho!

I'm not uneducated, stupid, or ignorant because I cuss.  I CAN and often do choose other words.  I cuss because I enjoy it and maybe the little, tiniest bit because a lot of other people seem not to. And when I'm mad, cussing makes ME feel good.  I'm often doing it as much for/because of the object of my fit as I am for myself. 

If you don't like it...get the fuck off my blog :)

My Stalker

Dear Insomnia,

Let's cut the shit! I've told you repeatedly that I don't like you or want you around. You annoy the hell out of me. Every time you show up it pisses me off and makes me in a foul mood the next day. ESPECIALLY if I have to work...like i do tomorrow (excuse me, TODAY - in just a few, short hours). I told you the last time you spent the night that it was the last time and I MEANT IT!! Now please, puh huh leeee eeeeee eeeeaaaasssseee - go away, get lost, split, hit the road, shew!, kiss off, lay off, shove off, back off, jump off, screw off, piss off and FUCK OFF!! I NEED MY SLEEP!!!

I fucking mean it!
Me