All I wanted was a fucking Pop Tart!

Ever wonder why, when you are having an already fucked up day, you also fuck up even the simplest tasks?  Don't think I'm going to offer my theory on why; I'm just asking if anyone else wonders, because I've got no fucking idea why. (I say "fuck" a lot when I'm upset, frustrated, mad, sad, scared and a lot of times when I'm happy too. You can read more about that here.)  I do know that when performing small, relatively insignificant tasks like, oh I don't know say; toasting a Pop Tart, and it gets stuck in the toaster, it pisses me off under the best of circumstances.  If my day has already sucked and it's past 10:00 on a work night and then something like that happens...I usually lose my shit. 

By 'lose my shit' I don't mean I throw things, yell and cuss at my family, or run naked in the streets, I'm not crazy!!  I mean, I yell and cuss A LOT to myself or at the item that pissed me off.  Babe usually just ignores me because its rhetorical bitching and because he knows it makes me feel better.  He's sweet (i.e. doesn't want to prolong the bitch fest by engaging me) like that sometimes.

So, without further ado, here is the photo story of what happened tonight when I decided to enjoy a Pop Tart before I lay my head on my pillow to said good bye to this shitty day.  Really??...

ALL I WANTED WAS A FUCKING POP TART!!

I ate it anyway, of course...



 

but it wasn't as good as it would have been if I wouldn't have had to fight the fucking toaster for it.

I'm going to bed.  Hopefully I won't poke my eye out with my toothbrush!!

~Michizzle



Pretty~Practical~Pouches

I have been a busy little bee this weekend! Left work early Friday to have some drinks and wish farewell to a coworker who got a new job, then I met  my daughter, 1, and a couple of friends for drinks and we went to dinner after that.

Saturday was great - spent it with Bestie shopping, laughing and hanging out and then we met the hubbies back at besties' house for pizza, beer and planning our Mardi Gras/Valentine couple date night for the four of us, and Boo and Scotty. (The guys were all ears when we told them we were having the party but totally tuned us out or made fun of us while WE planned.) I left there about 10:00 to meet 1 and 2, and their spouses to watch a friend of 2's and his band play. We left there and went to another place to see a friend perform and celebrate his birthday. I left there a little after 2:00 am to drop DiL off at the hospital so she could be with her and 2's besties as they welcomed their first little bambino into the world.

Today I got up earlier than I had planned due to what felt like a drumming competition going on in my head but immediately dove into getting my previous post (Fritz the Gay Elf) published. Then I half-heartedly cleaned the kitchen up a little bit and put away all the shit I bought the day before because it was all still sitting in sacks on the counter tops and then, I FINALLY got to do what I've been wanting to do all day...make one of these pouches from the plethora of fabric bestie and I bought yesterday.

I will be selling these little gems, which make great jewelry pouches, makeup bags, and gift sacks. Don't know what the rules are (and don't feel like trying to find the information) regarding using a blog to sell things so, if you want more information, message me.

Now it's midnight and I have to work tomorrow (meh!) and I'm not ready for my wonderful weekend to be over.  While reading about my super-fun and fabulously-fantastic weekend, one might think that I live that kind of Rock Star lifestyle but...one would be wrong.  It just so happened that all the plans I have for the next 3 weeks all fell on the same weekend.  Damn, I should have just let y'all go on thinking I am All That and A Pack of Crackers.

By the way, for any of you keeping up with my blog, my Christmas tree is still up.
Think January 31st is a reasonable goal?

 

~Michizzle

Fritz the Gay Elf

I made this little book (thanks Snapfish.com!) as a Christmas gift for My Boo and Scotty, after receiving Fritzy as a Christmas gift from them.  They gave him to me at my Christmas party and during the night we snapped a few picures of him. When the party was over my son, 2, and my daughter-in-law (DiL) hung around for awhile.  Before long, 2 and Babe were crashed out in the living room and DiL and I were feeling silly (ok, drunk) so she suggested we take more pics of Fritzy.  And we did - for a couple of hours at least. The book wasn't even a thought when we were taking the photos, credit for that goes to my friend, Wesley, who suggested it after I texted him a few of the pics the next day.

I logged onto my email account and began hunting through my "Coupons" folder (don't judge!) for the last email I'd received from Snapfish.  When I found it I was so excited because the featured sale was  buy one book, get TWO free!  Three for the price of one?!?!  I love me a good sale!  Once I began reading the small print, I realized that the sale as well as guaranteed Christmas delivery, would expire at midnight. It was already late afternoon by this time so I knew I would have to bust my balls (yes, I have woman balls) to finish before midnight.  I finally finished, submitted my order with 20 minutes to spare and received the books, as promised, before Christmas.

Below is a photo edition of the book.  I know the photography sucks so please do not bitch about it.  Sure, I could have spent more time cropping, adjusting the lighting, and contrasting the photos but that's not fun and I spent enough time not having fun today trying to upload the damn things so you'll just have to deal with it.  I did add the text beneath each photo for ease in viewing though...you're welcome.  If you'd like to view the book in a much nicer and certainly more professional format, you may do so here. *  (You can also purchase a copy if  you'd like.  Don't worry, I'm not trying to line my pockets - Snapfish will take and keep your money.) You will have to create an account with Snapfish to view the book, it's free, just wanted to issue a warning to save you  the trouble in case you have no interest in doing so.  Either way, I hope you enjoy - what I hope to be - the first book in the "Fritz the Gay Elf" series.

*I don't know if this damn link is working or not.  Please let me know, oh silent audience. 



*Front Cover*
"Fritz's First Night"



*Dedication Page*
"Dedicated to David and Scott
Without whom this would not have been possible.
Love, Michelle and Fritzy"
This photo was taken at the store the day Boo and I first saw Fritzy.



*Page 1*
"I first layed eyes on Fritz December 1, 2012.
Boo and I were shopping that Saturday
afternoon and we spotted him tucked in a
corner at a little country store.
It was love at first sight.
The following Saturday I was hosting a Christmas
party and David and Scott gave Fritz
to me as an early Christmas gift.
He was an angel when he first arrived, posing for
photos, cross stitching and even reading to us."



*Page 2*
"He was very social,
flitting around visiting
with all the guests.

He make some

new friends too."




*Page 3*
"But the Fritzy noticed
everyone kept going to the bar.
And he was curious."



*Page 4*
"First he just wanted his
picture taken on the
bar...then with the alcohol."





*Page 5*
"Before we knew it, Fritz was
drinking wine and swinging
from the fucking chandeliers..."

*Page 6*
"Literally!!"

*Page 7*
"After he'd had a couple of glasses of
wine I told him he had reached his
limit. He got pissed and pulled a pair of
scissors on me then jumped off the table
in a rage! We were looking for him
everywhere when we heard crunching
noises coming from the corner. Fritz
apparently likes dog food after drinking."

*Page 8*
"We were finally able to lure him
back to the craft room and calm him
a bit with another photo shoot.  Fritz
loves having his picture taken!"

*Page 9*
"But then I had
to get onto him
for peeking in
stockings
and
SMOKING!"

*Page 10*
""Take
Your
Own
Advice!"
was his response."
*Fritz is holding my fav little sign.  It says, "Be Fucking Polite (Please)"

*Page 11*
"The girls thought that
was funny so the three
of them began joking
around."
This is my daughter, 1.

*Page 12*
"And then he
went too
far...
of course."
*This is my daughter-in-law, DiL

*Page 13*
"He was completely out of control.
This is what was going on when I
finally gave up and went to bed."



*Page 14*
"And this is how I found him
when I woke up."



*Page 15*
"When he finally got out of
bed this afternoon he
apologized and we are the
best of friends again."

*Last page*
"The End"



*Back Cover*





~Michizzle

The road to HOE is paved with good intentions

The last time I entered Hell On Earth (HOE) i.e., my friendly, local DPS office, to renew my driver's license was right before it expired on my thirtieth birthday.  That was serendipitous because no matter how bad the picture, every time I looked at it over the next several years, I would see my 29 year old self smiling back at me  (I was having a bit of trouble with the upcoming Big 3-0). I woke up extra early that morning, took a longer shower usual - even shaved my legs and pits, spent more time on my hair and makeup than I normally did, and dressed in my brand new, carefully thought out, dry cleaned outfit.  I went to the license department, had my mugshot taken then anxiously awaited  the arrival of my new driver's license . It was delivered a couple of weeks later, and I was pleasantly surprised.  Although it wasn't the best picture I'd ever had taken,  it was better than all of my previous mugshots.  Over the years, it has been nice not having to hold my thumb over the picture when showing someone my ID. 

Fast forward four years: I renew my driver's license online for the first time.  You can do that here in Texas if you have not had any tickets since your last renewal. It's so easy and convenient and I was also able to update my address. That was a real handy feature for me during our *6 moves in 7 years.* The next time my license was up for renewal was during that time so, I renewed online again and updated my address too since the address that was listed was of the place we'd lived 3 moves ago. Even really handy features lose their appeal with overuse.

Over the years my son, 3, has bugged me about getting a new photo taken for my license. He would say, "You don't even look like that anymore!  Your hair is shorter/longer/lighter/darker/cuter/uglier than it was then!" But over the last couple of years he has been saying, " You don't even look like that anymore!  Your hair is shorter/longer/lighter/darker/cuter/uglier than it was then and you were twenty-nine Mom.  You're not 29 now! Go update your driver's license picture!!" When he was 16 and I took him to get his first license and he told me I should renew mine then too. I intended to but but I hadn't prepped that day so I didn't.

Since then I have had really good intentions to voluntarily enter HOE before my birthday, which was in November when it expired, to renew my license and have a new picture taken. Because, even I can admit my hair is shorter/longer/lighter/darker/cuter/uglier than it was then and I'm actually closer to 50 than I am to 29, (I threw up in my mouth a little as I typed that last sentence.) I have come to accept that I will be disappointed with the picture no matter how good it is because in the old one

I WAS 29 FUCKING YEARS OLD!!

But the road to hell is paved with good intentions indeed. The week of my birthday I logged on to the DPS website to renew my license because I knew there was no way I was going to make it to the office and get it done before it expired.  I figured I could visit HOE one upcoming day before work, freshly made up, and hope the new picture was at least decent.  I entered all the necessary information and clicked submit . A message popped up telling me I must renew my license at my friendly, local DPS office. There was no reason given but I assume it's because they want to see your face at least once a decade to make sure you are who you say you are and all that shit.

Obviously, my license was going to expire before I had the chance to renew it.  I have continued assisting in paving the road to HOE since then for various reasons: I didn't want to go during the holidays, it has been too cold, I have been too tired, I've looked too shitty, I haven't felt like sitting in a waiting room with a bunch of people who are just as pissed as I am about being there for 2 or 3 damn hours and a few dozen other reasons. 

I actually had kinda forgotten that my license was expired until last night when Babe sent me text asking for my driver's license number and expiration date. (Please do not send me emails, texts, voice mails or comments advising me to not give out personal information via text in case someone has actually kidnapped and held him at gunpoint while insisting he text me for all of our personal information.  I knew for sure it was Dennis so I felt perfectly safe sending the information.)  I sent him the info and his response was, "It's expired??"  He's cute like that sometimes.

Don't worry, I really intend to have this done by the end of the month.  And while I'm there I'm going to get the address updated to my current one; which has been my current one for over 2 years now.

Space for future license with a NOT 29 year old on it.






~Michizzle

*Future Blog*

Cursing

I grew up around a lot of cussing (we also grew up calling it "cussing" not "cursing" so I will refer to it as such from here forth).  My brother and I weren't cussed AT...no one screamed at us... 

"Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a bitch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk." (John Bender - The Breakfast Club)

No, no, nothing as horrible as that, thankfully.  But we heard cussing all the time in normal conversations, both ones we were apart of and ones we weren't.  Here's an example of a conversation you might have overheard at our house say, while we were watching a movie at home on a Saturday night on either HBO or our VCR.

Dad:  Ok guys, this is supposed to be a really good movie.  Sylvester Stallone is supposed to kick a lot of ass!!

Me & Bro:  Yay!!

(later)

Dad:  Oh my God!  Did you guys see that fucking shit?!?  Let's rewind and see that shit again!

Me & Bro:  Yay!!

(later still)

Dad:  Ok, you guys better get to bed.  We've got to get up early and bust ass with our chores in the morning if y'all want to go to the skating rink after you watch The Dukes of Hazard later tonight.

Me & Bro:  Yay!!

See what I mean?  Now, my brother and I were not allowed to cuss - we weren't fucking heathens! - but I think we probably started cussing earlier than most of our friends.  And, much more importantly, cussing CORRECTLY.  Because, admit it...we all knew some poor little bastard whose parents probably never uttered a cuss word in front of them in their life who decides he or she wants to be cool and cuss on the playground...

Sucky Cusser Kid:  Oh yea?  Well, your um, your MOM likes it when the Atari Repair Man blows her!!

TLS (The Little Sailors) Club:  Ha ha ha!!  You're so DUMB!  You can't BLOW a GIRL!!  Ha ha ha, you're an asshat!!

So, I'm a cusser.  But that does not mean I just constantly drop the  f-bomb.  I sprinkle my speech with cuss words when and where appropriate.  I like to compare it to a chef using the correct spices in the correct amount in the appropriate dishes.  The spices are added to enhance the main dish.  To make it more fun and exciting! 

There is a time, and place when cussing is appropriate and, lucky for me, my office is one such environment.  (I plan on blogging all about my Really Cool Job soon.)  It's not unusual to hear me whispering "Damn it!! or "Shit!" or even "I'm so FUCKING (lots and lots of emphasis - extra, BOLD) sick of this damn computer!! However, I don't greet my boss in the mornings cussing...

Me:  Hey Boss!  How the fuck are ya this fine morning?  Your ass looks fucking FAN Tastic in that suit! 

Boss:  Wtf???

It's still ok and appropriate when talking to my Dad. A typical conversation over the phone with my him today might sound something like this...


Dad:  Hey baby, how's it going?

Me:  Good but some asshole cut me off on my way to work this morning and almost clipped my fender.  I was pissed as hell all the way to work but the rest of the day wasn't too shitty.  How are you?

Dad:  We're good, we're good.  I'm dealing with some fucking prick at work right now.  The stupid son of a bitch is younger than you and trying to tell ME how to do my fucking job.  I'm always civil to him but I'd like to knock the little mother fucker's teeth down his throat.
Anyway, how is everybody there?  Are the kids doing ok?  How's little GK?  Is he liking preschool?  Give everyone kisses for us.  We love you mucho, mucho!

I'm not uneducated, stupid, or ignorant because I cuss.  I CAN and often do choose other words.  I cuss because I enjoy it and maybe the little, tiniest bit because a lot of other people seem not to. And when I'm mad, cussing makes ME feel good.  I'm often doing it as much for/because of the object of my fit as I am for myself. 

If you don't like it...get the fuck off my blog :)

My Stalker

Dear Insomnia,

Let's cut the shit! I've told you repeatedly that I don't like you or want you around. You annoy the hell out of me. Every time you show up it pisses me off and makes me in a foul mood the next day. ESPECIALLY if I have to work...like i do tomorrow (excuse me, TODAY - in just a few, short hours). I told you the last time you spent the night that it was the last time and I MEANT IT!! Now please, puh huh leeee eeeeee eeeeaaaasssseee - go away, get lost, split, hit the road, shew!, kiss off, lay off, shove off, back off, jump off, screw off, piss off and FUCK OFF!! I NEED MY SLEEP!!!

I fucking mean it!
Me

Post-Christmas

Christmas was over 12 days ago but my house still  looks like elves threw up in it.  This weekend I had every intention of taking down all the Christmas decorations and packing them away until next year but I found more important things to do instead, like lying around in my robe and watching movies.  Now it is Sunday evening and although I have piled all the little Christmas tchotchkes like the Russian Nesting Dolls, Nativity Scene and miscellaneous mini-Christmas trees on the dining room table, my tree with all of it's 567,000 ornaments and embellishments is still standing elegantly-but-a-little-worse-for-the-wear in the corner of my living room.



My dining room table covered in Christmas crap.



Preparing my house for Christmas is always so much more fun than taking it all down.  This year I decided I wanted to have my first "grown-up" Christmas tree.  Since 1 (my daughter) was born while I was still a teenager, I've had kids all my adult life and have always decorated our Christmas tree with kiddie ornaments.  Along with all the ornaments the kids have made at school and from the back of cereal boxes throughout the years we also had Santa Clauses, Angels, Barbie, The Dallas Cowboys, The Texas Rangers, snowmen ( a lot of snowmen) and a plethora of other cutesie, kiddie ornaments.  While I have fond memories (well, mostly) of all the Christmases we spent as a family around the kiddie-ornament-filled tree, I wanted a more "mature" tree this year. 

So, one Saturday in November Boo and I went shopping for all new Christmas ornaments.  We started at a really expensive home accents store where each ornament was at least $5.  Now that may not sound like much but I was envisioning my tree so completely covered in/with crap that you would barely be able see the actual tree (I'm gawdy like that sometimes!) and at $5 a pop I would only be able to get about 30 ornaments...at best.  So Boo and I just pretended like we were rich enough to shop there, walked around with our noses in the air (like everyone else in the store...including the help.  Puh lease!!) and took lots of pictures.  (I did buy a few items when we found the 50% off clearance section in the very back of the store - we were the only ones shopping back there.)


 

Me with my clearance finds at the Fancy Schmancy Store.



Fancy Schmancy tree at the Fancy Schmancy Store.







Another Fancy Schmancy tree at the Fancy Schmany Store.





 

 

Then we proceeded to Hob Lob and I was able to buy the necessary baubles to create my dream tree. 

          

All the pretty stuff I bought to decorate my "grown up" tree.



Boo checking to see if this giant lollipop at Hob Lob is real.



I spent the rest of that weekend and everyday after work that week decorating the tree.  Hell, it took me almost 3 hours just to unpackage everything and cut it all apart!  Finally, I made myself quit fretting over it because it was as close to perfect as it was going to get.



My Fancy Schmancy tree!



But now, almost 2 weeks since Christmas is over, the tree that I loved and was so proud of has become my nemesis.  The beautiful twinkly lights have not been turned on since New Year's Day and the 1800 feet of gorgeous ribbon I lovingly wrapped around all 7 1/2 feet of the tree is starting to droop.  I've lost at least 3 brand new star ornaments to Charlie's bored-at-home-all-day-but-won't-play-with-any-of-the-dozens-of-dog-toys-lying-around little ass and many of the other ornaments are not hanging where they were originally so lovingly and pain-stakingly placed.  It's time for the tree to come down but I have absolutely no desire to take on the challenge.  My new goal is to have everything down, boxed up and back in the attic by next weekend.  We'll see, we'll see...



















Nerve

Nerve and I go way back. In fact, we've known each other our whole lives but we've grown much closer over the last twenty years or so. Nerve comes from a large family and even though I never knew any of their names, we were all very close. Sadly, Nerve's family members have all disappeared over the years. We lost a lot of them while driving and standing in lines. Others were literally there one second and gone the next. The rest of them perished in The Great Land of Child Rearing in the mid 90's.

One day Nerve and I looked around and they were all gone. All of them. Immediate panic set in both of us. Was Nerve next? Would he be there one second and gone the next too or just Poof! while I was reading all the spelling errors in the local newspaper one day?

Alas, there was nothing we could do except wait and see what would happen. The first few days were the worst. Every time I sneezed or dropped something Nerve would jump. [Related but not Relevant Rambling - One really cool thing about Nerve and me, we just "get" each other. So much so that when Nerve is jumpy or anxious so am I. We are always extremely hyper or really chill at the same time too. It's so strange but simultaneously awesome!] We were on pins and needles (not literally!) for weeks then one day we realized Nerve wasn't going anywhere.  That's the day I loving nicknamed him Last.

There have been times over the years when Nerve has been stretched extremely thin from doing the work of dozens of his departed family members. But, he stood strong with me through 1's and 2's teen years and is still by my side now as we try to survive 3's. Nerve and I have been through so much together that I honestly don't know what I would do without him. Sometimes, as I lay in bed at night fretting, I think about how Nerve's family disappeared and I worry that that he will vanish one day too. It scares me because I have this strange feeling if that were to ever happen I will just absolutely lose it!

~Michizzle